Friday, February 22, 2013

Mr. Smudge...8/15/2003 to 2/18/2013

Mr. Smudge
I woke up Sunday to find Mr. Smudge bleeding from his right eye and I had a huge swollen jaw. The tumor in his nasal cavity which had caused tremendous swelling closing his right eye had again grown and was pushing against his eye and other places. Mr. Smudge was in stage 4 of Feline Nasal Lymphoma. Facial distortion and deformity. Let's just say it was not a pretty sight. Most important was that it was causing him discomfort and pain. Although he was still loving and gentle. Seeking love and attention I could tell all was not well. I called and left a message for the vets and decided just to love him to pieces on Sunday. Knowing tough decisions were in order.

My jaw was killing me and I started looking for a dentist or Oral surgeon here. Made several calls all of them telling me to go to the E.R. not till Smudge was seen. I kept wondering how Mr. Smudge could stand having his eye area so swollen. Did it hurt like my jaw?

Early Monday morning I got a call from the vets. Could I bring him in and the vet would check him out in between surgeries that morning. No problem. In Mr. Smudge went and off I went to the E.R. Both of us in pain.

At the E.R. they gave me the name of an oral surgeon checked my breathing and tried to decide what to do. I called the Oral Surgeon who could see me immediately and scooted across the road to his office.
Ugh an infected tooth and it had caused an abscess in my jaw. Due to my beautiful titanium hip I need antibiotics before any tooth work, this meant some serious stuff. Off to get a prescription filled. I have to take antibiotics for a few days before anything can be done.

The vet calls just about this time and tells me Mr. Smudge is not doing to well. The tumor is growing and starting to push his other eye the other way. This is bad. I decide the poor thing deserves better. I make an appointment to end his misery for later that afternoon. Can I come in earlier and just hang out with him. Please. Of course.

Home to take the first round of antibiotics, lay down for an hour, then gather Mr. Smudge's towel, and a box of kleenex, also his steroids they have been giving him to reduce the swelling. Some other poor soul may be able to use them.

Off to the vets to say goodbye to my big boy. When I get to the vets everyone is so nice. Mr. Smudge is sitting in the middle of their back room enjoying the attention and love they are bestowing on him. They move us to a back room so we can say our goodbyes. I think he knows as he licks my hand and rubs against me. I remember the day he was born in my closet. What a joyful and miracle filled day that was. The time comes and there is no more to say except I love you. Thank you for your love. He is gone. No more silent suffering.
I go home and cry - I am a puddle.

Several days later I have my surgery. The infection is clearing up. My jaw is looking better. I am missing my kitty. Usually he would be comforting me. I wonder how much pain he must have been in. Did I wait too long? Less than a month since his diagnosis and he is gone.

I believe we have a responsibility to these animals we are guardians of. Not to let them suffer, to give them the best care we can, and most important to love them. I think I have done all of those things. Yet, the loss is still there. The missing is hard...the tears are still flowing. He is still gone.


Leslie said...

I'm so sorry your big kitty is gone. Animals goodbyes are heart wrenching. I've done many of them over the years and for me the hard part is knowing they can't understand why it's happening.
Hard to find comforting words but I'm thinking of you both and will give my little cat Mabel an extra squeeze for Smudge tonite.

Elizabeth Golden said...

Thank you Leslie! My vet told me that it is a good thing that they do not understand. Because to understand some of this would be too overwhelming - even for us. I know I felt overwhelmed.
I am so glad you will give Mabel a little extra. I know Mr. Smudge would appreciate it and I most certainly do. I hope the two of you have a wonderful evening.

Ann said...

oh,my dear friend. i have no words that will bring comfort,except to say how very sorry I am. There was much love shared on both sides. it is the same as loosing a human family member. the pain is equally bad,i think. i truly hope your wonderful memories of your magnificent Mr. smudge bring you comfort.
I think that when you need to feel Mr. Smudge nearby,are missing him,just needing his company..if you still will hear his purr,the whisp of his whiskers against your cheek,the brush of his he lets you know he isn't far..that he's always in your heart..and therefor,always by your side.
would that i could be close enough to come by..and hold your hand and give you a hug.
sending love and a hug to you..and to your family,who also grieve with you.

Elizabeth Golden said...

Oh Ann you are the kindest soul Thank you for those words I so needed to hear. Bless you.

Janet Ghio said...

Oh I feel so sad about Mr. Smudge. I'm so sorry. We love our pets so much and they are so loyal and such good friends.
I hope your tooth will soon be feeling better.

Elizabeth Golden said...

Thank you Janet! My tooth is fine, my jaw is healing, but we are still missing Mr. Smudge. It is going to take a while not to have a very big void in our house. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

Robin said...

So sorry for your loss Elizabeth. May the passing of time help ease the pain you must feel.


Elizabeth Golden said...

Thank you Robin for your sweet words. Mr.Smudge was a noble soul who will be greatly miss here. I really am thankful for your understanding.

kamiguen said...

Just wanted to send you a great big hug. Having just lost one of my boys recently after avery quick illness, I know the pain you feel. I still look for him every day. But I take some small measure of comfort in knowing that he is no longer hurting.
He lives on in my heart and memories, as I'm sure the beautiful Mr Smudge does in yours. Sometimes as I drift off to sleep I'm sure that I can feel him snuggle into me. xoxo

Lille-bee said...

Although my english is very poor I try to say that I feel sorry for you and Mr.Smudge. I think you have done the best for your beloved cat. Sad greetings from Germany, Lillebee

Elizabeth Golden said...

kamiguen I am so sorry for your loss. I understand completely what you are going through. It takes a while for the mind and heart to meet up. I am sure you and your little one shared a lot of happy memories. That is what we have to hold on to now.

Elizabeth Golden said...

Lille-bee in any language kindness is appreciated. Thank you so much for yours.

Folk Heart said...

Oh, my sweet friend, who knows nothing of me, but who has become such a special friend to me through your blog. I always go to you for words of wisdom, for inspiration, for laughter, and now for tears. I wish I could offer you the kind of words that you always use to soothe my soul. I hope you can let your own words and wisdom flow down over you and help wash some of this pain away. You did the right your infinite wisdom, you knew this was the right thing to do, and the thing that you owed your pet because you love him so much. I hope you feel better soon. I wish you comfort! Peggy

Shopgirl said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to let them go. They are not only our pet, but our friend. Feel better, Mary

martha brown said...

Oh, Elizabeth, I am so sorry to hear about Mr. Smudge. We hold them so close to our hearts, don't we? I'm thinking of you, and sending big hugs and wishes that you feel better soon ( in your jaw and in your heart) .

Unknown said...

Tears were shed in North Georgia for your sweet kitty. Remember the good times!


Elizabeth Golden said...

Peggy, Mary, Martha and Deb thank you all for taking the time to make me feel better. I greatly appreciate it. Losing a pet is like losing a piece of your family. It takes time to get through the loss. Thank you - each and everyone of you for making it a little easier.

Karyl said...

Oh, Elizabeth, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mr. Smudge. Our pets just grow into our hearts and live there forever. I also hope that your other "ow-ie" will heal well and soon! Be well!

Ms. Lahtidah said...

I am so sorry about Mr. Smudge. I can see from his picture you loved him dearly. What a sweet boy.